Side Trips

Sanity is not truth. Sanity is conformity to what is socially expected. Truth is sometimes in conformity, sometimes not. – Robert Pirsig

Conformity confuses me. I will admit. There is no greater form of flattery than to imitate someone else. So therefore, is conformity a form of flattery and worship of some arbitrarily constructed norm? Social norms are standards, rules, guides and expectations for actual behavior, whereas values are abstract conceptions of what is important and worthwhile.  Why then are we all trying to be normal? What is normal? Is normality a form of suppression of self that would conform to standards and expectations? Where do we draw the line? “Be yourself.” “Be unique.” “Be authentic.” But… This flies in the face of social norms and standards that state. “Be like me.” “Be the same.” “Be normal.”

Where and when does it become acceptable to stand out, rock the boat, buck the status quo… when is it okay to stop being afraid and to stand on our own two feet? Yes, I’m using these well known phrases… When is it okay to actually do what those Facebook memes encourage? When can I say, NO? When can I say…

NO! It is not okay to label me a girl, a woman, a female. NO! It’s not okay to tell me to be more “ladylike.” I do NOT accept that it is anyone’s business other than my own what genitalia I possess. I do NOT accept that body parts intended for the procreation of the species should determine what is socially acceptable for me. What is socially acceptable to have, to do, to be, to dream of to behave like, to have relationships with, to converse as, and etc. ad nauseam. I do NOT accept that it is okay to tell me that I CAN’T because I was assigned the gender of female at birth. I do NOT accept that I should fulfill certain expectations because I’m “a woman.” This is a socially constructed and expected reality. To be on the binary and to accept the gender I was assigned at birth is considered to be sane. But sanity is not truth. I do belong to a community of individuals where I am accepted as being a part of the transgender umbrella. BUT… that doesn’t exactly fit either.

TRANS… To transition. I am not transitioning. I never have. I’m not “a man” inside. The fact that I am not Trans, does not negate or invalidate the journey of my peers, my friends, or my family. On the contrary, I support and empathize and ally myself with the Trans Community. BUT… I have found that there is a great deal of binary-ism within the Trans Community. I am not, nor will I ever be “a woman.” I am OTHER. I am X. I am Non-binary gender spectrum. I am multifaceted corporeal homo sapiens who happens to have a uterus. I use they/ them/ their pronouns. If you are a close friend or relative, I will correct you for using the wrong ones in my presence. BUT I won’t argue with you over my personal beliefs about gender. I won’t accept your limits on me and I won’t force my expansive definition on you. But am I “insane” because I WON’T conform to what is socially expected? There are people who throw the word insane around and use it to casually label anything that they deem as not making sense. But, I know there are people who also say that the definition of insanity is to continue to perform the same actions and expect different results. My TRUTH doesn’t conform. My appearance, my body, my corporeal form, my voice, my gender assigned at birth. NONE of these things conform to who I am and what I think, what I believe, what I know. So what does it truly mean when I say I am ME. I continue to live my TRUTH, to be ME, to live my life with honesty and integrity. And I expect different results. I would like to be accepted. I would like to feel welcome. I would like to fit in. But ALAS, the truth has set me free from the prison of conformity and I am NOT going to fit in. I am going to buck the system. I am NOT going to be accepted. My TRUTH will make others uncomfortable and I may not ever FEEL welcome. BUT….

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. — William Ernest Henley