“When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paolo Coehlo
I have been attending a once-a-month speaker series at work called Women in Leadership and Learning (WILL). The first three sessions were categorized as “Put on Your Oxygen Mask First:” 1) Mental Health, 2) Self Care, and 3) Saying Yes to the Right Things. A week ago, the series added an additional session called “2019 Reset: Committing to Self-care.” The next three sessions are going to be about “Leading the Way,” but I am more concerned with the sessions that have already been completed. The reason is that boundaries and self-care are something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I even struggled with taking the time away from work to go to the speaker sessions.
“Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” – airline safety
After the first speaker session in September, I took steps to find a therapist. After the second session in October, I took steps to make my physical health a priority and signed up for a health app and a 5k race in June 2019. In November, we had a third session and I have been chanting that mantra ever since. “Self-care. Is Not. Selfish.” I even have the book the speaker gave to me… BUT I haven’t read it. It is NOT that I need to read it. I know what it will say. I know that I have not made myself a priority. I know that I am in a state of self-care debt. I KNOW this. This is NOT news to me. There is a reason that I started attending these sessions even though I don’t identify as a woman. I have been taught my whole life that I was a woman based on how society defines gender and not on my own personal gender definition. I have been taught what it means to be a woman. And in our society, women sacrifice themselves on the alter of selflessness in order that they might be recognized.
“Far more frightening than the thought of dying was the experience of erasure already occurring in my life. My fear of becoming someone who did not count.” — Susan Griffin
Erasure is real. I have felt that I am nothing. I have felt the pain of unimportance. In a capitalist society, of which America is one, there is a hierarchy. And while we are taught that those at the top are the most important, what is not readily apparent is that you need the multitude at the base of the pyramid in order to support the one at the top. There is no ‘I’ in TEAM. Society is a team. We are all a part of a whole, a collective, a group, a hive. We can survive on our own. We have the capabilities if we need to or if we so choose. BUT, most often, we do not choose to be alone. Because we do not choose to be alone, when our circumstances cause us to be feel alone, it is VERY PAINFUL. I know that this seems like it is unrelated, but it is not. In the grand scheme of things, since we do not choose to be alone, when we feel that we are alone, we will do ANYTHING to change that circumstance. Including ignoring our self-care practices. Peer pressure is real. societal pressure is real. bullying is real. we will ignore what is best for us to fit in with others, to feel acceptance, to be a part of a group.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I want to make ME a priority. I am still caught in this web of confusion. Facebook memes, internet articles, self-help books, friends, relatives, parents, church… All these vessels of wisdom that tell me:
“Put your oxygen mask on first”
“You are enough”
“Take care of yourself”
“Don’t worry, about anyone but yourself”
“Practice self-care”
BUT there is a caveat. These are only good things when it doesn’t affect their agenda. So out come guilt trips, pleading, whining, “please make an exception just this once,” but we’re your (fill in the blank). And the feelings of needing to please others in order to be accepted kick into overdrive. So how can I combat this? Because, I do want to combat this. I just don’t know how.
“There’s something very addictive about people pleasing. It’s a though pattern and a habit that feels really, really good until it becomes desperate.” — Anne Hathaway
What? OMG! Addiction rears its ugly head again. So how do I cure myself of people pleasing and start practicing self-care? Well… the first step is this…
“I admit that I am powerless over my addiction, that my life has become unmanageable.” – NA principles of recovery Step #1
Excursions in PerspicaCity 