Scars

“We all have scars, some inside some out. Scars serve as a reminder, a lesson learned, a lesson to be shared.” Brian Kinnett

I am 41 years old. I have plenty of physical scars to show for it. What my body looked like when I was born in the late 70’s is not what it looks like today. and that is a “normal” thing. Human bodies are meant to evolve over time. I grew up, hit puberty, young adulthood, and then became an adult. The evolutionary process is true of everything from plant life to mammals. We start as a cell or a small bundle of cells and become more. We have DNA and RNA. There are building blocks to our existence. But humans are very funny about aging, scars, and change.

“We begin to die as soon as we are born, and the end is linked to the beginning.” — Bret Harte

Humans try to avoid change. We try to reverse aging. And we try to erase scars. Humans change their bodies all the time. There are doctors who specialize in changing our bodies to anything we want them to be. Plastic surgeons remove scars, cellulite, wrinkles, fat, moles, acne, cysts. These surgeons can change your face shape and make it more feminine, add curves to your cheekbones, add definition to your thighs, increase your breast size, decrease your breast size, remove your breasts and adjust for male contours, perform gender reassignment surgery for male-to-female and also male-to-female transitions. All of these things can be done courtesy of modern medical marvels.

“Scars show us where we have been, they do not dictate where we are going.” — David Rossi

I am odd. I have scars. I have fat. I have sagging breasts. I have cellulite and stretch marks. I have hair in the wrong places and I have no hair where many females have long flowing locks. I am odd. I also do not choose to change these things about myself. I am on the non-binary gender spectrum. I see gender as a spiritual awakening and NOT something to do with my exterior genitalia. I do not choose to change my body to become more androgynous in order to fit what society says I should do if I fall under the Trans umbrella. AND, all of these things about myself are proof that I have fought a battle with life and have come out the victor. I choose to remember my battle scars as medallions of valor and I may not always wear them with pride, but I do try to remember that I would not be who I am in life without them. The same is NOT true of my emotional scars. I am ashamed of those.

“Contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. It does mark us. What we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.” — bell hooks

For some reason, I think of my emotional scars, the unseen burdens, as being my fault. I think that there is something wrong with me. That I should be able to overcome these painful memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts, and unmet ideals. It is humbling to have someone tell me that they love me or that they admire me and think I am wonderful. It IS humbling because 9 out of 10 times, I don’t believe them. I have been so hurt and so traumatized by some of the things that have happened to me that I cannot process my current circumstances in a healthy way. I do not accept my feeling as healthy. In fact, they are so far from healthy as to be in another universe. This is why I see a therapist. This is why I try so hard to find positive affirmations to tell myself every day. This is why I work so hard to make sure that there are no miscommunications in my relationships with others. I can’t trust myself to know what the other person is thinking. I have to check and double check. Sometimes I feel that I have gone overboard. But you know what? Better to have gone overboard by checking too often than to miss a clue or a sign that something was wrong by ignoring it.

“Sometimes it’s the scars that remind you that you survived. Sometimes the scars tell you that you have healed.” –Ashely D. Wallis

Is there such a thing as too much information? Maybe. Do I overshare sometimes? Probably. Am I too blunt? For the hearing world, definitely. BUT, I am NOT going to change who I am for anyone anymore. I am not going to hide my light under a bushel. I am NOT going to ignore my needs in order to put someone else on a pedestal. I WILL share my feelings with my friends and family. I WILL tell the truth to the best of my capabilities. I WILL allow myself time to grieve. I WILL allow myself the room to make blunders. I WILL allow myself the freedom to grow as a person. I WILL take chances with my heart and soul because they need the exercise. I WILL love as I need to be loved. These feelings need to grow and have opportunities, just like other corporeal parts of me.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” — Khalil Gibran

I need to embrace the emotional scars. I need to forgive myself for the scars on the inside. I need to allow myself to feel the hard feelings. It truly is okay to have feelings. I DO NOT NEED A POKER FACE. I have had a poker face for too long. I have told the polite lie that “I’m fine.” Well I REFUSE to lie anymore. I am most certainly NOT FINE! I’m NOT OK! My feelings hurt, I am a basket case and it is a part of human evolution of circumstance for me to possess these feelings. I feel intimidation, I feel stress, I feel irritation. I feel frustration. I feel all of these things. And to put a fake face on it and pretend is dishonest. I know that in business the common goal is “Never let them see you sweat.” I however am human. I experience human emotions. These are certainly something that many other individuals will experience daily, weekly, monthly. BUT, I WILL allow myself the freedom of feeling. I need liberation from this prison that I have been in. The SCARS inside are just as important as the scars outside. Just because someone can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. My scars are there. They are very real. I will always have them. They are a part of me. I can monitor them, manage them, and work on healing them. but I will never eradicate them. The SCARS tell my story. They tell who I am and how I came to be. I cannot be me without the scars. That said, I don’t have to let them control me. I can appreciate and learn from them. And I can use them as a jumping off place to something better.

“I am my best work – a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.” — Audre Lorde