Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is terrifying. the courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting… and yet rewarding experiences in life. it will set you free.” — The Better Man Project

Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. I cannot be vulnerable without being honest. And being honest means that I am willing to make myself vulnerable. Two sides of the same coin. Yin and yang. It is a balancing act and yet daunting endeavor. Honest interactions are scary. Being vulnerable is scary. There is nothing quite so fearsome as laying one’s soul bare on the alter of potential criticism. What if they hate me. What if they love me. What if what I have to say is stupid. What if they judge me. What if I make a fool of myself. What if don’t share and they think I’m stuck up? What if, what if, what if…

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” — Brene Brown

I have lived my life stuck in the indecisive realm of inactivity. I have let my fears of the unknown dictate my current actions/ inactions. I have led a semi sheltered life. In my younger years, I was vibrant and alive and fearless. I used to take risks and be bold and make choices based on opportunity and exploration. As a child I learned to play the piano, took ballet lessons, joined children’s theater workshops, became an exchange student to a foreign country… the list goes on. As a child I was brave and imaginative. I didn’t let the world tell me no. I made the world my canvas and I painted it with the vivid colors of my imagination. As a young adult, I took creative classes, joined groups, tried new and interesting hobbies. I moved 3,000 miles away from home, learned a new language and attended a bilingual and bicultural university. Why then did I stop becoming? What caused me to close up on myself and stop taking risks? What caused me to box my writing up and not look at it for 19 years? Why did I stop being me?Why am I so scared?

“The vulnerability that honesty requires isn’t something that everybody can handle. Lying allows people to be comfortable.” Kushandwisdom

The truth? The truth from my perspective is not the truth from yours. I can only live my own truth. I boxed up who I was so that I could become more acceptable to someone else. I put away who I was in order to be safe in the world. I don’t know what mitigating factor caused me to frantically hide myself. I know that I erased more and more of me every day. I became a hollow shell of a human. The facade was there. I went through the motions. I lived life and I tried to participate. Most of the time, I thought I succeeded in my performance. But I was miserable and unhappy. I knew I was not being authentic. I couldn’t be authentic because my authenticity was buried under expectations, roles, and habit. Until. One day the run of the show abruptly ended. I was no longer responsible for the happiness of anyone but myself. OMG. And suddenly I was lost. There were no bread crumbs. I could not see the path. BUT, I knew there was one. I knew, because I had been on it before. I may have had a 19 year detour, but I had been on the path of enlightenment before. I had been introduced to authenticity and freedom and creativity and lightness of being. I knew it existed this path to finding my true self.

“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.” — Plutarch

So now what? Well, now I pull up my big person panties and go be brave. Now I submit poems to online literary ‘zines even when I feel like puking. Now I get art museum memberships and go there to journal surrounded by art and vulnerability. Now I write a blog about my discoveries and my journey. Now I post things on Facebook. Now I meet new people and attend social activities that scare me. Now I use my knowledge of the Deaf world to obtain accessibility for myself. Now I admit where I’m vulnerable and where I need a hand. There is NO SHAME in asking for help. Everyone needs help at some point. So, this is me asking for help. This is me telling the world that I want to be authentic and I need help doing that. The help I need from the world? Let me BE. Let me learn everything there is to know, and let me BE. I want to be free to BE me. Baby steps, but I’m learning… So help a person out now and again… Let me BE. And I’ll share what I learn with you. There is a two way street for us to travel down…

“This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” — Casablanca