Navigating Boundaries

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” – Bette Davis

I am going to be bluntly honest in this blog session. I totally have issues with boundaries. I have difficulty figuring out where my lines need to be drawn. I remember being a kid and hearing my dad say to me “You’re my daughter, you don’t get to tell me no.” That’s not the only time he said that to me over the course of my childhood and young adult years. If I was determined not to do something and said no, I was told that I wasn’t allowed to say that. I think my parents were like a lot of other parents, in that they were trying to teach me respect for authority. But what they really taught me was that my wants, wishes, and needs were to ALWAYS take a backseat to those of others; and that I was definitely NOT allowed to have boundaries. Being able to use the word NO is a boundary. Do not get me wrong. I love my parents. And there have been times in the past and even up to the current day when they are firmly in my corner on anything, I set out to do. BUT not allowing me to say NO set me up for many instances of failure in terms of establishing boundaries. And everyone agrees boundaries are a healthy thing. If they weren’t? There wouldn’t be over 1,000 books on Amazon for creating “boundaries”

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

I definitely DO NOT like having anyone displeased with me, EVER. I don’t like disappointing people. I do not like someone to give me that look. You know the one. The one that blames you for the destruction of world peace. I have been a people pleaser. AND that is changing. I WANT to love myself. See what I did there? I WANT. The problem is not only do I want this I NEED to love myself. From the moment we are born, we begin the evolution cycle of humanity that ends with death. BUT my spirit has been dying a slow death since childhood. All because someone I respected and loved, my DADDY, told me that I wasn’t ALLOWED to tell him NO. See it doesn’t matter what the reason was. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t want zucchini pancakes, or I didn’t want to clean my room. My father never touched me inappropriately and he would have been the first person to tell me that if a boy laid his hands on me to deal with it as I saw fit (punch his lights out). But I hate disappointing my Daddy, and he was the one I sought approval from. To have him tell me that I wasn’t allowed to voice NO, crushed me.

“Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden.” – Lydia H. Hall

Ever wonder how we learn to love ourselves or create boundaries? Women and AFAB individuals have difficulties with boundaries. I have seen memes and stories on Facebook over the Holiday season about not forcing little girls (or any child) to give affection. When I was a child and even into adult hood, others invade my personal space wanting hugs, kisses, or touching my arm, my back, etc. When I had long hair, people felt free to touch it. As children we are taught that doctors and nurses have free reign over our bodies. We are taught NOT to say no to medical professionals. We are taught NOT to say no to familial or family friend affection. We are taught to be nice and pleasant and pleasing ALL the time. We are taught NOT to be upset. We are taught to have a fake façade for company. We put on an act. We are not taught that if we are uncomfortable to say so. We are not taught that if we feel unwell that it is okay to cancel.

We are taught conflicting concepts about what is and is not appropriate in terms of personal space, acceptable touches, forced affection, etc. That’s just one example. Here’s another. Stand up for yourself; be strong; be courageous; don’t back down. You need to get along with others; don’t be difficult; can’t you make an exception; we need you to cooperate; there’s no reason to reject that outright.

I don’t know about you, but the pushme-pullyou of concepts confuses the hell out of me. I find that I have a skewed and damaged sense of personal boundaries. I find that I have allowed abuses, discrimination, and disrespect towards me. I have allowed these unacceptable behaviors because I have sought approval, love, affection, esteem, and respect. But what I have found is a complete lack of those same things that I have sought.

 “I’m sorry, You seem to have mistaken me for a woman who will take your shit.” – Ali Parker

It stops NOW. If I saw this happening to someone else, I would coach that person to stop allowing this. I would encourage them to seek help and I would tell them how much they are missing of life because they are allowing this behavior.

I have made some small strides. Last July, I put my foot down. What I thought was merely an argument turned into the catalyst that prompted my ex-life partner to leave me. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was a life event that I needed. Ironically, the turn of phrase that did it was this: “You aren’t allowed to tell me no.”

 “I can’t control your behavior; nor do I want that burden… but I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected, to be lied to, or to be mistreated. I have standards; step up or step out.” – Steve Maraboli

My ex-life partner is no longer a part of my life. I do not wish her to be. I do NOT need to forgive her for my sake. For 19 years, I allowed my ex to control me. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that I did. Every time she disrespected me, mistreated me, lied to me, belittled me, mentally or emotionally abused me… I refused to say NO. I did not stand up for myself. I did not prevent it. This person was HORRIBLE to me and I did not deserve that treatment, and I don’t have to be okay with it. I will not apologize now for setting up boundaries about how I wish to be treated. I told her what the boundaries were and she refused to respect them. So, she is now cut off from any further contact with me. I will NOT tolerate being abused any longer.

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” – Rachel Wolchin

I am learning this the hard way. My ex didn’t allow me to have friends outside of the relationship. The work friends that I had were in the dark about my reality, because I hid it behind a façade. After she left, I decided that I needed friends. But being out of practice, I have been struggling with boundaries. I don’t think that anyone thinks of themselves as a taker right off the bat. But I have been a giver since childhood and I gravitate toward those in need. Which means that they tend to take and not give to me. Quite a conundrum, since what I was looking for was the exact opposite. Church didn’t work, they wanted me to join committees. Bars didn’t work, they just wanted my money. I tried finding friends through the local LGBTQIA+ and Trans groups too…  The LGBT center asked me to serve on the board; and now they want me to be on a committee also. (I put the kibosh on that one until I get a detailed list of what each committee does though.) I found some friends through the Trans group and also through ASL interpreters that I have met through different ASL/ Deaf functions around town. I even found some friends through Facebook (local and long distance). The problem isn’t them. It’s me. It’s my expectations warring with reality.

 “Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish or uncaring because I don’t do things your way. I care about me too.” –knowyourworth.com

I DO TOO MUCH. I allow others to say when they are available, and ALWAYS make myself available. I let others pick the activity even if it makes me uncomfortable. I wait to be asked to join in, and when it doesn’t happen, my feelings get hurt. OR I overschedule my activities to the point where I get burnt out and have no energy left to even walk the dog or vacuum my house.

This CANNOT continue. I need time to take care of me. I need time to make myself breakfast in the morning. I need time to pack a lunch for work. I need time to make bulk dinners that I freeze. I need time to take my doggy for walks. I need time to do laundry and clean my house. I need time to devote to my writing. I need time to journal and explore myself and my interests. I need time. Which translates into: I need to learn how to say “NO.”

“Selfish vs. Selfless: When you take care of yourself, you are saying to your loved ones, “I love you enough to want to be my best for you.” – Angel Greaves

I am not my best right now. I don’t care if my best is better than anyone else’s so-so. IT IS NOT MY BEST. I know what I am capable of when I am in peak shape. And I am all too familiar with the uncomfortable fact that I am NOT in peak shape. My health is suffering because I am not taking care of myself. I have been having migraines. Last week my migraine was so bad that I was violently ill. My skin is breaking out from the stress. If I am not careful, I will develop an ulcer again. The weight I lost before Christmas is creeping back on. And the panic attacks are worse than they ever have been. So no, I am not at my BEST, and it is blatantly obvious to me that I am not.

“Self-care is NOT selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” – Eleanor Brownn

My whole life, I was taught to be a good little girl. To be unselfish, caring, pleasing, and to perform selfless acts for others. I wasn’t taught to care about myself. I wasn’t taught that it was okay to tell others no. Oddly enough, there are actual biblical stories that back up the idea of self-care. The body being a temple. Jesus taking time away for self-reflection, meditation, fasting and prayer. There are many examples in the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. I could list many, but I won’t. I just find it ironic that I grew up in a strict and rigid religious household. My father was a counselor and a pastor. My mother is a preacher’s kid herself. And no one thought to use Biblical examples to justify self-care. No one thought to use Biblical examples to justify boundaries. Everyone used the “children honor thy father and mother” bullshit. But no one thought to use the phrase a “time for every purpose under heaven” to allow me to F&*$ING SAY NO! It is my time to say NO!

“You cannot enjoy others until you enjoy yourself because you cannot give to others what you do not have.” – John C. Maxwell

I want to have healthy relationships with my friends. I desire this greatly. I want to have a healthy romantic relationships also. I think I know how to go about achieving these goals. But it’s going to be really hard. Because what I am going to have to do is say NO. I am going to have to tell myself NO. I am going to have to tell others NO. I am going to have to be an adult and parent myself. I am going to have to set a bedtime and stick to it. When I get invited places, I will have to be unapologetic about needing to leave so that I can go to bed on time. I am going to have to hang up the phone. I am going to have to put limits on how long I stay on the phone. I am going to have to limit my social media presence. I am going to have to limit how long I chat with friends on Messenger. And DAMNIT I’m going to have to schedule myself all of the chores and things as well as the ME time. I am going to have to schedule time for ME to be ME.

If I can’t coordinate all the committees and groups, I may have to bow out. No matter who gets mad at me and no matter that they are disappointed. I need to worry more about me than about them. Because right now, I am NOT enjoying anything because I’m not taking care of me.

I am made of matter and I MATTER! My soul, my spirit, my multifaceted-ness matters! I want what I have never had. I want to ENJOY being ME! And DAMNIT, the only one who can make it happen is ME!

It may take some fits and starts. I may flood the engine. I may get flat tires, blown headlights, scrapes, bumps, bruises, dings…. BUT I AM GOING TO LEARN TO SAY NO! and I am ALSO going to learn to ENJOY ME along the way!

Let me repeat myself:

“Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” – Bette Davis