Rest Stop: Self-Discovery

The problem is… I keep saying no to myself and yes to way too many people… A lady that I would like to get to know even better posted the above meme on Facebook. I appreciate her quirkiness. She is very personable and intriguing. And she is also one of a handful of people who are teaching me some hard lessons about myself. I am discovering and remembering and accepting new truths every day. I didn’t always want to ride the relationship escalator. I didn’t always want to identify as a couple. In fact, I struggled deeply with the role that I assumed. I resented my ex-partner. It didn’t start out that way. But the longer we were together, the more the role and expectations of me chafed. I didn’t want to be “the little woman.” I didn’t want to be her “Support Service Provider.” I didn’t want to be part of a “couple.” There were many expectations from society, from her and ultimately from myself.

I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want that type of relationship. I thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to be valid. I thought that I needed to ride the relationship escalator to the top and then die there. And I was already slowly disappearing. As if I was a twin picture of Dorian Gray. No matter what I did, I continued to disappear. Another friend asked me if I ever would have left. I told her probably not. Interestingly enough, even though I was dying inside, I felt that I had to maintain the status quo in order to be acceptable.

We were in a nontraditional queer relationship and I thought that I had to be in a relationship to be acceptable. I was also codependent and working myself to death in order to maintain the facade. Nothing I did was right. I couldn’t have friends because that took away my focus from her. Etc, etc, etc, and so on and so forth… But the truth of the matter was… I didn’t know how to have friends, even if I had the opportunity. See codependency is a disease. And even though she is gone, my disease remains. It is treatable. It responds to techniques, and active management. But like any chronic illness, complacency causes relapse.

Well I refuse to let my disease win. Additionally, I refuse to let other things happen also. I refuse to allow society to dictate who and when I love. I refuse to allow others to decide what is acceptable for me in a relationship. I am NOT going to allow myself to be a second-class citizen EVER AGAIN!!! This means that I am going to have to step up my game. I am going to have to consider MYSELF to be MY own primary relationship. I have to LOVE ME enough to do so. I cannot let others dictate my worth, my role, my love, my health, my intelligence, my F$&KING EXISTENCE, or anything else. I have to do the choosing. I have to do the loving. I have to make the decision to LOVE ME and be friends with others.

I don’t mean that I can’t have a relationship with someone else that involves intimacy. That is not what I mean at all. Intimacy is MORE than sexual activities. Intimacy is sharing pieces of your soul with someone. And I can do that. I can give myself permission to do that. But I have first dibs on my time. I have to make ME be the priority. I have to take the TIME to be ME. I can share conversations with others. I can share hugs with others. I can be friendly to others. I can have sex with others. I can do this with people that I consider my friends and that is okay. But I don’t need to sign my soul over to someone else for all eternity in order to be a valid human being. My higher power doesn’t require me to be a slave to someone else’s desires. My higher power doesn’t think I’m a second-class citizen either. I don’t have to be purchased chattel in order to be a valid member of society. I can have many loves or none. I can be whatever I choose. Because I CHOOSE ME!

Where do I go from here? Don’t know. Probably wherever the road decides to go… But one thing is for sure. The road to PerspicaCity is definitely going to be fraught with interesting twists and turns. My curiosity is peaked now… Whether my romantic meanderings lead me to one person or another doesn’t matter. What matters is that I listen to myself first.

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